2004-10-04 - 11:41 a.m.

to top it all off, i am seeing this wonderful man, and he is so good to me, but he doesn't know. it almost happened once last night but luckily he was distracted by a video game (aren't they always) and i was able to go outside and calm myself down. i have actually tried to explain some of it to him but i still feel the need to keep him seperated from actual incidents. i just don't think he could handle the real me and i feel that it would be unfair to let him try. i feel like such a liar. there's no way this can develop further if i'm keeping everything so guarded. so am i wasting his time? but what's the point of making him have to deal with all this?
i'm not happy, but when am i? what is it supposed to feel like? and does that actually happen?

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